Owning a dog comes with so many questions. How do I teach him to come when I call him? How do I get her to stop jumping? Why can’t we go for a relaxed walk together? How come he keeps lunging at other dogs on the walk?
There are a million questions when it comes to owning a dog, but perhaps the most important question is this:
WHY DO I HAVE A DOG?
This is a question that I pose to my clients all the time. And it requires an honest answer.
Do you have a dog because you want him to make you feel good about yourself? Do you have a dog because its something everyone is doing these days? Do you have a dog because you thought it would feel magical like those movies like Old Yeller and Lassie? Did you get a dog to make your life more complete?
Or do you have a dog because you have a heart full of love and you want to share it? Did you get a dog because your cup is already full and overflowing and you wanted to pass it along?
These two approaches are vastly different from one another.
The first is needy, clingy, and dependent. It requires the dog to fill some void within you. That is a lot of pressure on a dog and is the definition of an unhealthy relationship. Most folks who relate to this approach confess that they feel they need the dog to “like” them. Admittedly, this is a tad selfish. This might be described as a love-taker
The second approach is the stuff of healthy relationships; it might be described as a love-giver. This is where both parties can thrive because you don’t “need” anything from your dog. You don’t need him to like you. You don’t need him to boost your self-esteem or morale. You like being together. You are capable of putting the dog’s needs above your own wants. You are mature, calm, and clear. It is with this approach that a dog can be calm and confident and you can be in an inter-dependent relationship, rather than a co-dependent relationship.
Knowing whether you are a love-taker or a love-giver is important because it will dictate your behaviour with your dog.
Love-takers will spoil their dog, giving them pats, cuddles, and treats whenever the dog asks for them. These people will appear to give, give, give to their dogs. The motivation to their behaviour is that they want their dog to like them. They want their dog to be happy so they let them do whatever they wish. Inevitably, these dogs get a bit carried away with the doting of their owners and present behavioural issues of their own.
Love-givers are less common among dog owners these days. They intrinsically understand the definition of love: when the needs of the other override the your own wants. Owners like this are able to calmly guide the dog and give fair consequences to the dog’s choices. They can recognize when to let the dog do what they want, and when they must intervene and set boundaries. They aren’t as concerned about the dog liking them so much as they are concerned about the dog’s successful integration into the human world and pack.
Dogs who have love-givers as owners have their needs met and they are calmer, more content and satisfied. They know their place in the world and they know that they are being taken care of.
Now, it’s brutal honesty time!
Why do YOU have a dog? Do you have a dog to fill your cup? Or do you have a dog to receive the overflow? Are you a love-taker or a love-giver? Do you allow your dog to have or do whatever he wants in the name of happiness? Or are you able to lovingly provide guidelines for your dog, without being worried that he won’t like you?
If you have bravely put your hand up and admitted that you are in the first camp, a love-taker, congratulations. I love me some self-honesty and humility. Know that you’re pretty human in this and you’re certainly not alone. But start to dig deep. Why do you crave love from a dog? Why is your cup empty? Do you fail to love and accept yourself and so look for it from others? Do you look for the approval of others? Where did you learn that you aren’t loveable unless someone else loves you?
Having a dog isn’t just all fetch, cuddles, and walks into the sunset. It’s deep, soul-searching work. Dogs didn’t become man’s best friend just because they are cute; they earned their position beside us because they lift us up to be better human beings.
Here’s to you and your dog!
Elaine
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